The Big Cleanup
by BecJedi
Summary: What do you get when you mix Star Wars with a cup of Harry Potter, a tablespoon of Weird Al, and a pinch (I said pinch, people, it’s only a sentence, so don’t be put off!) of Britney? That’s right, IT’S QUI-GON AND OBI-WAN CLEANING!


Author: BecJedi

Category: Humour, non-slash

Rating: PG…just for a little insanity. J 

Summary: What do you get when you mix Star Wars with a cup of Harry Potter, a tablespoon of Weird Al, and a pinch (I said pinch, people, it's only a sentence, so don't be put off!) of Britney? That's right, IT'S QUI-GON AND OBI-WAN CLEANING! (Check out the disclaimer, it has the full list of the madness.)

Disclaimer: A big sorry to Lucas, J.K. Rowling, Weird Al, Shakespeare, Britney Spears, the Nanny, and the tens of thousands I've offended. And lawyers, I ain't making no money off this, so go away. And you can leave me alone about Miss Piggy and 'Come what May' too!

Spoilers: There are few hints here and there, but you dudes have seen it all!

***

Obi-Wan lay in a most undignified manner on the floor of his old student quarters, his legs wide apart and flopped over some of the boxes where he'd packed all his things away. He fiddled with his padawan braid, still getting used to it after only just becoming Qui-Gon's apprentice. Today he was suppose to be moving into Qui-Gon's quarters. Qui-Gon had said that at nine in the morning he'd come to collect the boy and his things. He'd lectured Obi-Wan throughout dinner about being ready early and about how rude it was to keep others waiting. It was now twelve o'clock. Obi-Wan was bored. Bored, bored, bored…did I mention bored? He let out a groan. What could be taking Qui-Gon so long? He'd said he had to clean out the spare room for Obi-Wan, but it wouldn't take that long, would it? He tried to reach his master on the comm but there was no response.

"Oh, come _oooooooooooon_, master," he groaned, turning over onto his belly. He studied the floor of his old student quarters in an attempt to eliminate the boredom. "Ew, the dust is moving."

After ten minutes of this he decided it would be best if he went to see what Qui-Gon was doing. After another ten minutes of dragging himself to his feet, he sidled on over to the master's quarters and banged rather forcefully on the door.

"It's open!" Qui-Gon's voice came.

__

Oh, so he's alive, Obi-Wan thought dryly as he slipped quietly into the quarters. He sensed his master in the small, far off room and wondered over to see what was happening.

He was surprised to find Qui-Gon still clearing out his soon to be room. The tiny corner (or was it a cupboard?) was full of junk, the ground littered so that Obi-Wan could not see the floor itself. Qui-Gon sat with his legs crossed in the middle of the chaos, going through a box of things. He looked most childish, a rather odd smile on his face. He didn't even look up when Obi-Wan entered the room.

"You know, this used to be my old room. These quarters were my master's before he decided to move to another level in the temple. I never bothered to clean this room out. Just left it as a spare," he said, his blue eyes wide as he came across a big file of paper.

"Where are you going to put all this stuff?" Obi-Wan asked, coming to sit by his master.

Still, Qui-Gon did not look up. He pointed to a small plastic bin lying on the mess beside him. "I'm throwing it all out."

The padawan glanced at the bin. It had about two pieces of paper in it.

"And how long have you been doing this?"

"About two days."

"And that's all you've chucked out?"

Qui-Gon's piercing blue eyes found his face at last. At first they seemed unimpressed but then he gave Obi-Wan a kind of embarrassed smile. "I'm not very good at throwing things out. My master used to give me grief about it all the time. _Qui-Gon, clean your room. Qui-Gon, clean your room now. Qui-Gon, the mess from your room is migrating into my room. Qui-Gon, the mess from your room just bit me! _He would never cut me any slack."

Obi-Wan just blinked. What was he supposed to say to that? "Can I help?"

"Alright," Qui-Gon said, dragging over a box of jumbling things. "But don't chuck anything out before asking me."

Obi-Wan nodded, too distracted to talk. He'd spotted a rather interesting thing lying on top of this box. It was a poorly hand-stitched doll made of black fabric and dressed in padawan robes. Pins and pieces of broken glass had been embedded rather maliciously into the doll. It seemed somewhat familiar. "Ah, master, is this a Voodoo doll?"

Qui-Gon glanced over to what lay in Obi-Wan's hands and his face blushed bright red. "Ah, yes. I forgot about that."

Obi-Wan looked at his master with concern in his eyes, a look Qui-Gon knew he was going to have to get used to. He seemed unsure whether to ask the question lingering on the tip of his tongue but decided if he didn't ask, it was going to drive him insane. "Is it Master Windu?"

Qui-Gon's face seemed to be getting redder. "Ah…yes. We didn't get on very well as kids."

Obi-Wan looked down at the shard of glass in the doll's head, it's plastic eye pierced with about seven different pieces of metal. "No kidding. Could explain why you don't get on well with him now."

Qui-Gon grabbed the doll from his padawan, pulled the pins and glass out, and put it all in his rubbish bin. "We _do_ get on now."

Obi-Wan just raised his eyebrows but said nothing.

"Just because I disagree with a few things that he and the council say, doesn't mean we're not good friends," Qui-Gon pressed on. "Mace and I…we're great friends…stop looking at me like that!"

Obi-Wan gave him an innocent look. "Like what?"

"Like that!"

"You mean like this?"

"No, like that…oh, let's just move on, shall we?"

The padawan nodded and dived into the box, finding a whole bunch of scrunched up clothes. "Are these yours, master?"

Qui-Gon smiled as Obi-Wan pulled out the smallest little tunic the padawan had ever seen. "Sure are. Those were my padawan robes."

"Padawan robes? Are you sure they're not your baby clothes? These are tiny."

"Yes, I was a very small child. Had a growth spurt when I was 18. Shot up two feet. Scared the hell out of my master. He didn't like having his padawan being taller than him. Especially when I would pat him on the head."

Obi-Wan grinned. "Maybe I'll be able to do that to you one day."

Qui-Gon just looked at Obi-Wan. "You're kidding, right? You're gonna have to have a mighty growth spurt, shorty."

The padawan's eyes narrowed. He shoved the clothes in his master's face. "Do we chuck these, or what?"

"Ah…couldn't you use them?"

Obi-Wan just mirrored the look Qui-Gon had given him moments before.

"Okay, put them in the bin," Qui-Gon replied, gazing rather longingly at his old clothes as Obi-Wan stuffed them mercilessly into the rubbish bin.

"Oh, masssssssterrrrrr?" He heard his padawan drawl in a tone far too cheeky for his taste.

He looked up to find a pair of flared purple pants dangling about in Obi-Wan's hands, the grin on his face matching the cheekiness of his voice. "Woh, disco master! Peace, dude! Dig-it!"

Qui-Gon pointed to the bin. "No, funny, padawan. In the bin, now!"

"Oh, can't I keep them for entertainment value?"

"NO!"

"Alright, alright! Calm down!" Obi-Wan mumbled, throwing the flares into the bin.

By now Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan were working through the mess together. The simple fact that Obi-Wan was there seemed to be moving things along. The bin had already been emptied twice. Of course, this was only due to Obi-Wan having to convince his master for ten minutes to throw something out ("Master, I don't think you're ever going to need this finger painting you did when you where three."). Luckily he'd got his time down to five minutes. The padawan found that Qui-Gon really hated whining.

"Fine! Throw my trophy for best and fairest lightsabre fighter out, FINE! Just shut up! By the force, you sound like the Nanny for crying out loud!"

"The _who_?" Obi-Wan asked.

"The Nanny. She was this…'lady' who used to look after the children in the nursery."

"What happened to her?"

"She was fired when her big hair flattened a two year old. It was a sad, sad day for the jedi…"

Qui-Gon trailed off as his eyes fell on another piece of clothing. It was a brown robe and, not wanting to throw it out, he gave it to his padawan, despite the fact that it was far too big. He'd grow into it.

"When I'm what?" Obi-Wan asked. "Twenty-five?"

"You should be more thankful then that. Go to your room!"

"Ah…we're in it."

Qui-Gon shoved a bunch of papers in his padawan's face. "Bin, smart-alec."

Obi-Wan wondered over to the bin slowly, glancing over the paper. "Ah, master, are you sure you want to throw all this out?"

"Just put it in the bin and stop looking at them," Qui-Gon said.

Obi-Wan didn't hear him. Another grin found itself upon his lips. He started to read out loud. "_Qui-Gon Jinn. Age 10. Student Report_."

Qui-Gon glanced up. "I'm warning you…"

"_Master's comment_…oh, this should be good…_Qui-Gon has a fiercely independent nature which makes him extremely difficult to deal with. Whenever a fact is put forward he argues with it. This debating habit would be expectable if we were debating. In such young years it is not required but Qui-Gon seems to want to make it compulsory._"

"Padawan!"

"_He does not get on with the other students, especially with a fellow classmate, Mace Windu. I have found them fighting seven times in the last ten weeks. Qui-Gon, being a lot smaller in frame than Mace, has been physically hurt. His nose has been broken three times and has had it's shape changed most certainly. This does not deter him, showing that Qui-Gon does not know when enough is enough. The only child he chooses to spent time with is a girl by the name of Tahl, someone he seems to be unable to do without._"

"I said BIN!"

"The name's Obi-Wan, master, not Ben. Anyway…_Qui-Gon argues in class, breaks the rules when it suits him and is rude to his fellow students and masters. I find it difficult to teach the other students when I spend most of my time arguing with Qui-Gon. I know that he does not do this for shock value, but for the misconception that he believes himself to be right. Despite this, his grasp on the force is very strong, he is a very skilled fighter and is very intelligent. I would see him as council material if he would only obey the rules. Unfortunately, I see that if Qui-Gon ever does make it to knighthood, he'll be arguing with the council, not part of it. So far he has had two fiery disagreements with our grand masters._"

Qui-Gon got to his feet. "That's it, Obi-Wan. You have one last chance to stop reading!"

Obi-Wan only smiled more. He continued to read on. "_He has also developed a habit of bringing strays home to the temple and to class. When I ask him to remove them from class he explains to me that if I want a poor innocent little animal to die I can take it up with his lawyer (paraphrased from a direct quote). He failed all his exams on the simple complication that he didn't think the questions were 'phrased correctly'. He missed his chemistry exam because one of his strays was sick. I would suggest severer discipline by the council. It is obvious such bright talent is being wasting on a boy who does not want to use it. I do not foresee him even being taken by a mas…_"

Obi-Wan trailed off, a great shadow cast over him. Qui-Gon stood right over him, looking down on the much smaller jedi menacingly. "Bin. Now."

Obi-Wan smiled innocently and did as his master said, placing the report card carefully in the bin.

"And the rest of the paper," Qui-Gon said dangerously.

Obi-Wan went to go throw the rest out but started reading instead. An English exam paper lay on top.

"_Question One: How does the character Iago in the Shakespeare play Othello deceive the other characters in the play to get what he wants? Answer: They're really, really stupid._ Woh, good answer, master!"

Qui-Gon yanked the paper out of Obi-Wan's fingers and threw them in the bin rather aggressively. "Back to work, mister!"

"Alright," Obi-Wan said, laughing. "I've had my fun."

Qui-Gon gave him a very angry look and went back to sorting through some more paper. He didn't take much care. Paper was flying everywhere. It seemed it was Obi-Wan's job to pick everything up.

"Bin, bin, bin…keep…bin…" Qui-Gon chanted dully, handing things to Obi-Wan to keep and throwing out the rest himself.

"Hey, what's that?!" Obi-Wan suddenly yelled as he spotted a letter with the council's symbol on it.

"Noth–hey!" Qui-Gon exclaimed as the naughty padawan snatched it off him.

Obi-Wan's eyes scanned it quickly. "Woh, you made fun of Yoda's ears! No wonder they sound angry. Respect, yadda, yadda, yadda, disciplinary action–"

Qui-Gin ripped the letter from Obi-Wan's hands and buried it in the bin. "I got that when I was a child."

Obi-Wan beamed. "It was dated last week."

Qui-Gon's bearded face flared bright red, in embarrassment or anger, Obi-Wan wasn't sure. It could have been both.

"Here!" Qui-Gon snapped, throwing something at the padawan. He caught it hard with his face. "Keep yourself amused with this!"

Obi-Wan blinked a few times, to get his vision back from the abuse the thrown object had given him. When his sight returned he found it was a book…no, not a book. A photo album.

The padawan's face lit up. He plonked himself down in the mess and started to flick through. There were pictures of Qui-Gon as a child.

"Woh, master. You were a pretty scrawny kid."

"Thank you, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon replied sarcastically.

But it was true! Skinny and short with scruffy hair, a very badly tied padawan braid and his tunic hanging out of his belt. To put the word 'class' in the same sentence as Qui-Gon's name, one would also have to put the word 'none'. Then there was Tahl, looking as magnificent as any twelve year old could, making little Qui-Gon look even more weasely. The photos were great. Tahl hugging Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon kissing Tahl far too passionately for someone of his age...or for any one! Tahl grabbing Qui-Gon in a headlock, baring her teeth. Qui-Gon's face going red. Tahl looking down on Qui-Gon as he collapses on ground. Tahl looking up at the camera and smiling sweetly. Obi-Wan had to suppress his laughs. It couldn't get better than…but it did. There was a photo of Qui-Gon, about sixteen, looking most unimpressed as he stood next to a boy with a hideously large afro, the look echoed on his face. Who could that boy be…no…it couldn't be! The next photo confirmed his suspicions. It was of Qui-Gon in mid-air, a devilish smile on his face as he sliced through the boy's hair with his lightsabre blade. The photo following it displayed the boy, now almost bald, verbally abusing Qui-Gon, who was obviously running for the high hills. That boy was Mace Windu. There were a few more of him in the book. Qui-Gon and Mace–both doing bunny ears behind each other's head, smiling smugly at the thought of outsmarting the other. And then…there were pages upon pages of creatures. Ugly creatures, cute creatures, but mostly ugly ones.

"Master, what's all this?" Obi-Wan asked sweetly, trying to make up for all his rude comments. He seemed to have caught the 'saying thoughts out loud' illness.

Qui-Gon came over to his padawan, and, seeing all the old photos, smiled and sat down. "These were the animals I would look after. This one here, the one without any fur, that's Fluffy."

Obi-Wan shielded his eyes from the ugly beast. "What is that? A rat?"

"No, no, that was my old cat, Fluffy."

"It's not very fluffy."

"Yeah, that's because Carnivorous got to her."

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. "Carnivorous?"

Qui-Gon pointed to the big, ferret looking thing with red eyes and horns sticking out of it's oddly shaped head. He smiled. "Isn't he cute?"

"Ah…I'm sure he would be…to a sith…"

"Awwwwww! And this is Miles, and Crazy, and…aw, my littl' baby Voldermont. Look at that funny look in my littl' doggie's eyes. It's the look of love."

Obi-Wan screwed up his face. "It looks more like the look of death."

"Voldermont could be like that. He would just latch onto people's faces, only out of affection mind you, and they'd call him a crazed beast. He was just misunderstood, that's all…until he picked up Master Yoda in his mouth and started playing fetch…except he didn't give Yoda back until one of the masters lured my littl' doggie away with my lucky, lucky, autographed, glow in the dark snorkel and sent him off to some 'correctional clinic' in Albuquerque. I hear his name is now Harry and he lives with some big shot writer named Rowling…the poor innocent creature. Everyone used to call him 'the dog that must not be named' and 'you know who'."

"Where's Albuquerque? I've never heard of it."

"Sure you have. It's that place where the towels are oh so fluffy."

"You mean like your cat?"

"More or less…I would say less though…"

"And…dare, I ask, what's this?"

"Oh, that's my master's nose. I was trying to take a picture of him but my hermit crab Nibbles started crawling up my leg and…let's just say, he was given that name for a reason."

Obi-Wan cringed. "I don't wanna know, do I?"

"You most certainly do not. _I_ didn't want to know. I was writhing on the ground in undying pain and my master just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train. Let me just see if I can find a good picture of him…ah, here we go. The great Master Dooku."

Obi-Wan looked down at the photo. It was of this old man with a crazed look in his eyes…a bit like the one in Voldermont's…and his hand on Qui-Gon's shoulder. "Does he have fangs?"

"No, he does not!" Qui-Gon said, indignant at the insult. "This is the day I became a knight."

"You're master looks like he's happy to get rid of you."

"Obi-Wan!"

If there really was a 'saying thoughts out loud' illness, Obi-Wan was dying from it. "Well, look at those eyes! If he's not about to suck your blood, then I don't know what's goin' on!"

"Be quiet! Don't you dare insult my master again! He is a good man. He taught me to stand up for what I believe in. He took me as his padawan and ENCOURAGED my outspoken ways."

"I bet the council _looooves_ him," Obi-Wan muttered to himself.

"Sure, maybe he yabbered on about the sith a bit, but only to teach me! And so what if he wore a bit of black? It's not like everyone who wears black clothing is bad…and as for the red lightsabre blade. That was taken COMPLETELY out of context."

Obi-Wan just looked up at his master. "You had a very interesting childhood, didn't you?"

Qui-Gon shrugged. "I guess you could say that. It was nothing special."

"Yesssssss, master, yesssssssss."

"Don't patronize me, Obi-Wan. You can keep looking through the album if you want. I'm just going to try and throw out some of my old collection of comics. I mean, I don't know why I ever read them. They were so unrealistic. Like Vader would ever give up all that power and fame for some little punk who called him 'father', I mean, what galaxy do they think we live in? Next you'll be telling me in a few years time there'll be no jedi except for a hermit in the desert and a toad in a swamp…"

Obi-Wan went on looking through the photo album as his master went on about 'modern fiction glorifying war in the minds of little kiddies'. It was all the same. About twenty photos of animals…or parts of animals, Obi-Wan could never be sure…and then two with people in them, usually close ups, and then it would start with the pathetic lifeforms again. Obi-Wan hoped that he wouldn't have to worry about his master's obsession with these lame excuses for life. Maybe he's got over it. Maybe it was a childhood thing.

__

Wait a minute, what's this? Obi-Wan thought, finding a slip of paper poking out from behind a photo. He pulled it out carefully and opened it up. Ah, another letter. Another one from the council, telling him to get his act together?

__

My dearest Quiggy-poo.

Well, maybe it wasn't from the council.

__

I have longed for you from afar and I can take it no more. Your wild nature, your total disregard for all the rules, your dreamy blue eyes. You have taken over my dreams. You are with me whenever I close my eyes. But dreams are only that, dreams. Dreams can no longer satisfy my lust for you. I want to run my fingers through your hair, I want to become one with you. Come away with me and abandon this life of service. Let us serve each other as lovers. I will make it worth your while. Come fight with me, my maverick master. I'll teach you a little something about the force. Love always…

"ADI!" Obi-Wan cried out loud. "Isn't she the chic on the council with that stupid head piece?!"

Qui-Gon looked up from his copy of 'Return of the Jedi'. "What are you on about now?"

"Well, _Quiggy-poo_, I just read something here from one of your friends of the council," Obi-Wan said, waving the letter in the air.

Qui-Gon's 'dreamy blue' eyes bulged. He used the force to jerk the letter from Obi-Wan and his face became redder than Obi-Wan thought possible. "You are heading for a grounding, Obi-Wan! That was none of your business! It just a stupid letter Adi gave to me when we were kids."

Obi-Wan found himself beaming once again. "It was dated last week."

Qui-Gon growled, scrunching up the letter. "Maybe I should take her up on her offer. Then I could get away from your prying."

Obi-Wan's face fell like Britney Spears' record sales. "You wouldn't desert me, master, would you? But I need you. No other master will take me…please, I'm very loyal. I'll never leave you, or abandon you for a band of teenage freedom fighters_–_"

"Where did that come from?"

The padawan crawled pathetically over to his master and hugged the man protectively. "Please don't leave me! PLEASE! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME!"

"Obi-Wan, stop crying! And let go of me! I've already rejected Adi's offer."

The padawan miraculously stopped sobbing. "Really? Did she slap you?"

Qui-Gon freed himself from Obi-Wan's painful grip. "She did actually. Knocked out a filling and made me swallow it."

"Ow."

"You're not kidding."

"Shall we continue cleaning?"

"Good idea. Just, if you see any more pieces of paper like that, GIVE THEM TO ME **BEFORE** READING IT. Understand?"

"Yep…oh, what's this…Student report card, age 6…oh, this should be gold…"

"OBI-WAN!"

"Just kidding, master…it's going in the bin…"

***

For hours and hours they cleaned. An old diary was found but Qui-Gon burned it before Obi-Wan could even lay his fingers on the thing. However, as he watched it being eaten up by the flames he did spot a page dated when Qui-Gon was 16. It read: _My eyes have been soiled. I saw Master Yoda naked today. Note to self: always knock on closed bathroom door, or just run if the sound of Miss Piggy singing 'Come what May' can be heard. Don't be fooled, it may sound like someone dying, but it's really Master Yoda singing. I didn't know such a small creature could have so much body hair._ Obi-Wan was quite happy that he didn't get to read the rest of that. 

Then there was Fangs, a pink dinosaur with chucks of fur missing and moss growing in damp, reeking patches. It had been Qui-Gon's cherished childhood toy, the one that got him through the years when he was a padawan, not yet a knight. He gave it to Obi-Wan, who could have won an Oscar for the looks of fake delight on his face. Qui-Gon had almost shed tears. But after all that, Obi-Wan had his room…or broom cupboard ("Why don't you just give me a lightening scar and call me Potter?!" "What was that, Obi-Wan?" "Oh, nothing."). It was only big enough to fit a tiny desk and a bed. But Obi-Wan slept soundly that night, with Fangs tucked under his arm. Qui-Gon watched him from the door, remembering what he was like when he was that age…a lot shorter, but you know what I'm talking about.

Obi-Wan was shivering. Qui-Gon crept in and placed another blanket over his favourite pathetic lifeform of all, patting his hair with the most tender, fatherly affection…then he grabbed Fangs from Obi-Wan and bolted for his own room.

"Ah, Fangs, I'll never give you away again." 


End file.
